Monday, December 31, 2012

Life of Pri!

 Disclaimer - Strictly fiction!!! This is just a fun post and its not intended or directed to hurt any individual or group . No Offense!!

Hi there. I am Pri. No, don't get confused with Pi for my life isn’t that adventurous yet and I am not Mr. Piscine Molitor Patel's younger sister for he was a brave heart who spend several days and  nights with a mighty Bengal Tiger in  the Pacific Ocean. And by the way my name is Prianka and they all fondly call me Pri. Never ask me who all. You are going to witness the misadventures in my life. I am a beauty and make up freak and off course some would even feel like stoning me to death after reading my tryst with my hair. But you should also know that I am not that bad either. I live with my parents and my elder brother. I am 21 and I have a unique fad for beauty products. I always had a dream of having a straight hair and indeed I am finding ways to materialize that dream. For some strange reason, I find it awkward at times to discuss that with my parents. Offcourse,one should find ways to avoid getting embarrassed in front of their own kith and kin, but I am a shameless person and all that I want is straight hair. Sadly Almighty hasn't blessed me with natural straight hair.

It all started when I was 16, sweet sixteen. I had just passed my Twelfth class and I should admit that I was terrible at studies. Being a Guju girl, all that I could do was boast about my Dad's business and was sure that Baba would do something for my future. But my brattish nature since childhood made my parents lose faith in me. They started believing that I would remain crooked throughout my life. Even I can’t seem to convince them that I am a good girl. Aforementioned, I have an elder brother who thinks that he is smart and responsible. I once happened to steal his hair gel while he was busy involved in a 2 hour long phone call with his so called girlfriend Sonali. I made good use of this opportunity to experiment with my hair. My hair is long, curly and beautiful. But as I said I always had a dream. I pine for straight hair. The hair gel looked unused and I was the first person to inaugurate it. I opened the tube and took a small pinch of it on my palm and carefully applied on my hair. I took another pinch of it and another and then another. I was completely shocked that the tube was empty within seconds. I was assured of World War 3 soon happening at my home. I carefully dumped the empty hair gel tube in the society bin. The society watchman caught me red handed when I did this act. I had to bribe him one Thepla and 50 bucks  to shut his mouth. The hair gel treatment was not effective. It only gave extra shine to my hair but the 'Straightness' factor was missing. 

One day Maa was busy in kitchen. I had just woken up from sleep. I brushed my teeth and neatly combed and organized my hair. I observed that Maa was preparing breakfast for us. 

'Maa, what are you preparing for breakfast?,'  like an obedient child I asked my Mother.

'Preparing Chapattis my dear..,’   she said with a smile, ruffling my hair.

'Oh, you just ruined my hair Maa,' I got vexed for once.


‘Anyways, what are you doing with that rolling pin?,' I curiously asked my mother.

'I am giving shape to the Chapatti’s,' she said as I saw her rolling the ball of dough. Maa kept on rolling the dough ball till it was completely flat and round.

An idea struck in my evil mind. 'Maa, will you mind if I ask you a small favour?,' I smiled at her like an infant.

'Sure beti,' She smiled back at me as she rolled the dough ball using rolling pin.

'Maa can you help me in straightening my hair?,'
‘How?,' She replied.

'All you have to do it ..Roll that roller pin over my hair,' I said with a straight face.
'Do I look like a stupid to you, Pri?,' Maa gave a muddled expression.
'Why don't you straighten your hair at a beauty parlour?,' She said.
'How much does it costs?,' She added.
'Well forget it..,' 

'Tell me Pri,' she pestered me. 'It’s 8000,' I replied her.

'Oh Jainendra!! 8000 Rs,' she was completely shocked when I told her the beauty parlor charges for hair straightening. All my attempts to wangle her to get my task done eventually remained futile. Finally I tried the rolling pin experiment by myself. It was a complete disaster as   I realized that 'Rolling Pin' is best suitable for making chapattis and Rotis.  Trying a way out to get rid of this, I tried out-of- box thinking. I managed to be creative and innovative as I let my thought processes play. This time I took my Iron. I realized that this would be risky and I should not do it alone. Mother was not cooperative as she was a typical Guju Businessman’s wife always engrossed in making Thepla's and Dhokla’s. I locked myself in my room and switched on the iron. I carefully moved it over a small section of my hair. I pulled it over my hair again and again. During this process I ended up burning small section of my hair. I was worried and tensed as I saw my damaged hair. I slowly cut the damaged part of my hair with a pair of scissors and cursed myself for that experiment. You should know that I love Rock and Punk music. My love for Rock music started  when I was young. I used to watch VH1 and  used to be a big fan of the rock bands. I used to keenly observe the singers do headbanging. I thought for a while and tried to do the same. I did headbanging in my room to get a straight hair and accidentally I banged my head on the wall while headbanging.I had to nurse a stiff neck for over 4 weeks and I had to suffer a lot.

I was depressed and upset after my experiments to straighten my hair failed one after the other. This time I decided to take help from Google. Google seemed to be my last resort. As per suggestions and advice from few experts from popular hair care websites, I decided to buy a shampoo bottle. I slowly applied moisturizer on my wet hair and let it dry for some time. I again applied the shampoo and moisturizer on my wet hair and let it dry for some time. I continued this for 3 hours. I was quite sure that the experts can't be wrong. This went on for another 2 hours. The shampoo and drying treatment gave me hopes. Finally I was done with the experiment. As per the experts, I had to wait for another 2 hours, before unleashing my brand new straight hair. I eagerly waited for this moment. I was assured that this would be the ultimate moment of my life. After 2 hours, I witnessed that nothing really happened and I only thought of myself as a fool. The experts were wrong. I wish I could sue them to the highest court for wasting my money, energy and precious time. I would have completed 5 chapters in those 7 hours. And more over I had spend over 400 bucks on the shampoo which only lasted for 5 hours.

All my hopes and dreams were shattered. I could not concentrate on my studies. I had taken Chemistry in B.Sc and thus, as a part of our curriculum, we were supposed to create some stupid chemicals by different weird experiments. I once remember my Chemistry sir Prof Iyer Sir teaching us about Potassium Sulphide Acetamide.He informed us that this particular chemical was good for hair and it could even straighten our hair. I soon stole the test tube containing the acid from our Chemistry lab.  I left for home and that particular day I decided to perform the biggest experiment of my life. I soon started feeling like a scientist. I took my Pomeranian dog inside my bed room. I poured the test tube contents over my dog to validate if his hair was getting straightened. I was shocked to see what I observed. Jimmy, my Pomeranian dog died. I was scared and couldn't believe what I saw. Potassium Sulphide Acitamide had killed my dog. I soon disposed the test-tube and took Jimmy to the main room and placed him over the couch. For one moment, I realized that I had killed my innocent dog for my selfish reason. I faked my tears when Maa entered the drawing room to watch her favorite serial 'Krishnaben Kakrawali’. She was close to Jimmy and couldn't bear his loss. 'RIP Jimmy..I am sorry' I whispered onto my deceased dog's ears as we performed the last rituals for him.I could have been charged with murder and PETA guys would have got me arrested for killing an innocent animal.But,like a clever thief I destroyed the evidences , I mean the test-tube. It was then I decided to stop experimenting with my hair and consult my Dermatologist. I visited Dr. Saajan Kumar's Clinic at Bandra East.

As I entered the clinic, I could see long queue of people waiting for their turn to meet Dr.Saajan. I registered my name at the reception at sharp 10 am. I stood there reading old magazines and newspapers. I was soon spotted fidgeting with my mobile phone, playing games. It was already 3 pm and I was still waiting for my turn.
Finally at 3.15 pm, the receptionist asked me to enter the doctor's cabin. 

'Hello Doctor, how are you?,' I greeted  Dr.Saajan
'Good Afternoon Pri, I hope you are doing well,' He greeted me back.
'I came at morning and now I am seriously tired of waiting here for long hours, ' I said with a straight face.
'Oh is it? . How is mom and dad?,'
'Thanks. They are perfectly fine,' I smiled 

'So what made you come here? ,' He curiously asked me.
'Well promise me, that you would not laugh when I let you know about my problem,' I said with a puppy face.
'I am concerned about my hair? I want it straight and I have done all damn things to get it straight,' I added.
'Well...medically it is not possible but there is something which we can do about it?,' He said.

'And what is that?,' I curiously asked him.
'You need to hunt for a fat hot Gujarati Aunty to sit over your hair to make it flat and straight ,' He smiled.
'Gibberish...What nonsense. You think of me like a fool?,' I questioned him.
'I think you want me to get beaten up by some fat hot Gujarati lady?,' I was perplexed.
'No..My Maa used to say this when we were young. So why not give it a try?,' He added.
'Maa would say that Fat Hot Gujarati Women possess this particular special charm and charisma which helps to flatten your hair as they sit on it,' He winked.
'Hmm..Oh yeah Mothers can't be wrong. Yes, I have tried everything and let’s give this a try too,' I said .

'And if you meet  any of them , then you should not forget to pass their contact details to me,' Dr Saajan said exhibiting an evil smile. 
'Sure doctor,' I said and left 

The next crucial and challenging task was to hunt for a Fat Hot Gujarati Aunty. I thought of asking my mother but she was not fat nor was she hot and moreover she was my mother and not aunty. She wasn't supportive at all. I hopelessly wandered across different Gardens near Santacruz West and Vile Parle where Guju's form the majority. After roaming through City Park, Jade Garden, Lions Club Park, I finally gave up hopes of finding a fat hot Gujarati Aunty. Fat aunties are not hot and hot aunties are not fat. Even the fat and hot ones which I discovered were not Gujarati. But my pursuit for Fat Hot Gujarati Aunty didn’t cease. I finally scanned through Madhusmita Park at Santacruz West. Infact I could have asked my Gujarati friends about their mom's but I realized that it would be really  awkward and inappropriate to ask so. I soon located a fat aunty meditating near the pond. She was fat, hot, and gorgeous and every adjective would suit her. She was looking like a Queen. I saw her 4 year old son playing with his friends and she was busy engrossed in her Padmasana. I sat next to her and an idea struck my mind. I waited until she opened her eyes. Finally when she opened her eyes, I smiled at her. She smiled back at me. The birds were warbling cheerfully during the evening hours.

'Hello Aunty..I thought of complimenting you,' I smiled at her once again.
'What. I am all ears Sweety,' She said with a typical Gujarati accent. Now, I was sure that she was a Gujarati woman. ‘Viola! I found a fat hot Gujarati Aunty,’ I  said to myself and felt like jumping with joy.

'Aunty.. You are very beautiful and you don't look like a mother of a 4 yr old,' I said.
'Oh wow..You are so sweet darling,' She blushed like a teenage girl.
'You should know that Aarav is my second son and I have a 15 yr old daughter as well,' she smiled and packed her stuffs.
'Aunty, Can I ask you for a favour?,' I asked her.
'Sure Sweety!,' 

‘Aunty, you might think of me as a stupid after this?,' 
‘Well .It depends on what you are going to ask me?,' She said.
'I want your help in straightening my hair,' I asked her.
'Oh gorgeous. You look so pretty with this curls ...why do you need a straight hair?,' She said. 

She cleared her throat and continued, 'So do you want me to take you to a hair parlour?'
'No Aunty,' I said.
'So you want money from me?,' She asked me.
'No Aunty,' I replied.
'So how can I help you dearie?,' She said as we walked.
'Aunty, you know and everyone knows that you are pretty and gorgeous,' 

'Ahan! I didn't know that,' She laughed.
'Aunty, I want you to sit over my hair,’ I said with a straight face.
'Girl, have you lost your senses...stupid girl,' she said.
'Aunty please,please..please,' I started nagging her.
‘Sorry dear, I can't do that. This will make me stupid as well,' 

‘Aunty  ...Can’t you do this for me. Even I am like your daughter na,' I said with an innocent face.
She could see tears from my eyes. Only I knew that those were fake.
After coaxing and persuading her, she finally agreed.
'Okay, I can do that but on one condition,' She said.
'What Aunty?,' 

'You should teach me how to use Facebook,' she grinned.
‘Oh so this Aunty wants to join Facebook huh,' I thought and smiled at her.
'Actually I want to monitor my 15 yr old. I am not sure what she does on Facebook every night,' She was sounding upset.

'Anytime Aunty, I will surely help you,' I said and we both left for her house.
She took me to her bungalow and asked me to go to her room. I was waiting for her inside her room and laid my hair on the table. She sat on the table over my hair. She did just like what doctor Saajan had ordered me. 'Straight hair...yuppie!,' I yelled.
I helped her in opening a Facebook account and added her to my list. I briefed her about basic functionality of Facebook.

‘Dharaben Aunty, you are too kind. I hope to see you soon,’ I bid her good bye and left her room.
I soon called Dr. Saajan as I left her bungalow.
'Success Doctor,' I was exhilarated .
'Hello dear, you seems happy today,' Dr. Saajan told me.
‘Yes, that fat hot aunty Gujarati Aunty thing,' I told him.
'Oh Pri dear, did you really take my words literally that day,' He laughed.
'What... were you joking?,' I  curiously asked him.

'Offcourse Pri,' he said and cut the phone for once.It was only then I realized why he had asked me to hunt for fat hot Guju aunty. It was  because of their invincible big  backs and  I reckon that he had hots for Gujarati aunties.He desired one but couldn't find one for himself and hence asked me to hunt one.I was indeed fooled by the shameless doctor. I should have read his evil smile that moment itself.I was angered by his behaviour and if he was in front of me, I would have bashed him to death. Clenching my fist, I controlled my rage and started counting numbers.

All my experiments were futile and tears roll down my cheeks when I look at my hair. 

Lately I have started using new Sunsilk and the results are too good. So is anyone interested to make a movie on my life just like Mr Ang Lee made 'Life of Pi'. Mr.Ang Lee, where are you? .Anyone interested in making 'Life of Pri’? If not, Mr Ram Gopal Verma, at least you could make a 'Life of Pri’.

Take care of your hair and do keep smiling. You should know that your smile makes me smile. Hope you liked my misadventures - ‘Life of Pri'

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  1. Hi,

    HAHAHA, this was a good read, you've set the tone for my New Years Eve. Loved reading your take on this topic. Keep it up. You've got a wonderful site here.

    Happy New Year :)


    My Blog | My FB Page

  2. Pri..killed her dog...poor dog. lOVED THE POST...its a perfect 10 according to me

  3. Replies
    1. haha indeed ... remember the topic asks abt crazy ,funny whacky idea :D

  4. I think we have a winner here. :P

    Great post bhaiya. :D

    Cracked me up pretty good.

    1. Ni re bhai! :D But I enjoyed writing this funny post.