Friday, May 24, 2019

Life doesn't work that way

How often does our heart yearn to meet the person who has been an integral part of your life - someone who has been everything in your life, a part of your family?  The human brain is designed in such a way that it can't forget people who have been with you from your childhood. I lost my little sister to a terminal illness that shattered not only her dreams but also my family happiness. The terminal disease had put us in a black hole, never ending sorrow. That's because the past hasn't been kind to my family. That's a natural tendency that we start questioning and hating god for such a loss!

Well, that's natural! I had taken sabotage from writing or to be honest I didn't want to write. I knew writing was the only thing that could de-stress me and freed all my sorrows - of course, the sorrow of losing my little sister is more than anything in my life. I never imagined that sort of cruelty ever. Her absence haunts us every single day. Our home in India is an arsenal of all her creative works. She was the most blessed girl in our entire family - in looks and in talent. But what's the use of so much talent when it has to be nipped in the bud. That question haunts me, it taunts me day and night.

It's funny I try hard to distract myself from anything that is creative or my brain doesn't want me to indulge me into creative stuff. And that pains me. I've been creatively blessed but right now I feel like creativity handicapped. The mind that was a pond of tons of imaginary ideas and stories has drained and the creative juices have drained away. I ask my brain why and I hear no response in return. My own short stories of the yesteryears now seem alien to me. The most difficult thing that is difficult for me to digest is that I find it hard to believe my own creativity. Why is it getting hard for me to convince myself that those are my artwork, my short stories, my poetries and everything on this blog is my work?  Have I alienated myself so far that it is becoming difficult for me to believe in myself and my abilities?

I can't even believe I am writing this. For months I have been trying hard to post something here. I know I had signed up for monthly challenges too, but like said before I don't feel like. TO be honest I was bloody excited to write for this and I remember my April 2016 challenge posts. It was one of my best series ever. Why can't I churn out amazing stories like that now? Why can't I draw like I used to? I admit I haven't been a great artist but at least I could try.

When I talk to my friends whom I befriended through blogs, it feels like I am talking to strangers. Maybe I need to fix some serious things in my life. Maybe that's what will help me in the long term. Because life doesn't work that way and I know that very well. In the coming days, I plan to work on several things that will help me professionally. I will post here sporadically and I have no intention to shut this blog. Blogging from 2006 till now seems like an era for me. And no this isn't going to be the end of an era. I will come up with something when my brain permits me to!

Is that what happens when you are in deep grief?

I hope to talk to you again. Till then, CIAO!


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