Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Excuse me, Aunty!

Excuse me, Aunty!
Image Source 
I swiped the Metro Card at the Entrance, excused myself and ran towards the platform. I was getting late for the college. I started panting heavily as I climbed the escalator.  
I accidentally brushed against a plump woman as I ran upwards.
"Sorry Aunty," I said , pointing my finger towards the metro train. It seemed it was waiting for me. I squeezed myself onto the  metro train . It was an adventurous journey I thought. 

I discovered a seat next to an old man. I quickly seized  it. The fat uncle gave me a disgusting look as if his daughter eloped with me. I glanced across the train and my eyes came across a woman.She was unknown to me but she looked familiar. I was trying hard to recollect but my poor memory betrayed me. I failed to recognize her. I looked at her and she smiled at me in return. I thought of striking a conversation with her but it was weird talking to strangers and was against my principles. 

Finally,  I mustered enough courage and thought of conversing with her.
I cleared my throat and said, "Excuse me, Aunty!"  My voice was so loud that even people from the adjacent bogie looked at me. 

"Me?" she asked me.
"Yes, Aunty!" I smiled at her.
"Come and have a seat," I said and offered her my seat.
She walked towards me and gave me a tight slap on my face. For a moment, all eyes were glued on me. 
She got furious and slapped me once again. 
I stood there speechless. I had no inkling of what was happening  and why I deserved her animosity. For a moment, people started chitchatting about this. Some college girls even laughed  looking at me.
"Aunty , stop!" I uttered.
She slapped me again.
"You are Rahul, right?" she confirmed
"Yes, Rahul Kapoor." 
"From DJ Sanghvi Engineering College, right?"  she confirmed again.
"Yes." 
"Second Year B.E Electronics, right?" She asked.
"Yes." 
"Division B, right?" She asked.
"yes, right."
"And I look like an Aunty to you, right?" She got  vexed.
"Oops!" 
She sat on my seat and I looked downwards waiting for our stop. It was embarrassing for me.
She was my classmate, Eshita Saxena.  How would I know? I attended the introduction lecture and never  sat for any class. My own eyes betrayed me.  I wish I could tell her  - "This is between you and me , Okay?"  But my poor cheeks  were not ready for another slap. 
I never looked at her again though she glared at me. 


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Monday, June 08, 2015

My Nose knows! Sniff Sniff

After surviving my Engineering years , I now realize that my nose too survived. 'Survived' is a word too small as compared to the type of smells and stinks that my nose got hold of. Thanks to the Mumbai local commuters of the second class bogie and the Indian railways. I don't know how to thank them enough for sharpening my olfactory organ's function. My brain would rejoice. I would have served the Mumbai police better than the sniffer dogs. Hah! Of course I am kidding. 

Every day when I stood there at the Kurla Railway station ( the Filthiest ever in Mumbai) exhibiting my innocent face, a thousand thoughts wandered across my mind. I never had any issues with boarding the jam packed bogie. No, I never had! Of course all  I had to do was to stand in middle  between the crowds consisting of the stocky men with unwashed craggy faces and tobacco stained teeth who  would automatically ferry you inside the train free of cost.  What perturbed me was how I could sustain the 30 minutes train journey. Being squeezed inside the train was not a matter of concern. What mattered the most was how would my nose react to the smell of the sweaty arm pits and unbrushed teeth and bad breath of my fellow passengers. Bad Odor, in fact very bad!  I realize that not much damage must have been caused in Japan when America bombed  it during the WW2 than what I faced everyday during my Engineering days where I had to travel by the Mumbai local. A guy from the other corner of the bogey would pass a silent fart. Purrr....  some less audible and some like sound of a cracker that is burst during Diwali.  Their fart would be so powerful that it will reveal what they ate the other evening. No, if you are thinking that I am a fart analyzer then you are wrong. I only analyze software quality. :D Trust me! 


Taken from Google Images

Everyone would stand there displaying their puppy faces. No one would ever react to it. If someone did then the ACP Pradhyumans and the Dayas travelling inside the train would look at them suspiciously. And squeezed between the crowd I would helplessly try to move my hands to clip my nose. But all my attempts to do that would eventually remain futile. Out of frustration I would bury my face on the back of the guy standing in front of me.  'Oh God! Some guy farted,' The guy standing besides me would mumble. 

"Why did you eat Potatoes last night?" I would want to ask the guy who farted. But sadly that was not in my nature. I would roll my eyes and look around. At the same time a guy would ask me - 'Bhaiyya,  agla station Vashi hai?'  
While doing so he would get his arm pit  close to the area around my nose.  Oh no! Don't! I would want to scream. 

"Haa!" I would say with a straight face.  A group of small miniature birds would parade around my  head when the train reached Juinagar. That was the time when most of the stinky nasty smelling dudes would get down. A silent tears of happiness would copiously roll down my sweaty cheeks when I get down at the Nerul that shelters my Engineering college. I would want to do a pelvic thrust like legendary Mithun Daa. Of course, I never wanted to be the apple of all eyes  so I would refrain from inviting any kind of unwanted attentions.

For four years in my Engineering college, I also served the role of being the love guru. Guys knocked my doors to seek love ideas. Of course, I was adept at giving nice ideas. One day a dude from the Electronics department asked me for some love tips. I gave him some nice idea but the very next day he came running towards me like he was going to bash me. I investigated and learned what exactly happened.  I realized that he belonged to that  league of dudes who showered once in a week in a city like Mumbai that is cursed by the Sun dearest. I took him for a stroll and advised him to shower everyday, brush twice a day and use a nice deodorant. He snapped back and showed me a very ugly look. What! Hah! Dude, be clean! Bad Odors are a big turn offs.

The irony was that being the love guru I never had any girlfriends. Oh yeah! all the girls whom I eyed  were already taken. The grapes are sour! 

 You might be wondering how I know all this. Well, my nose knows everything! :P 

Trust me! Sniff Sniff



 “I am sharing my odour story for the ‘My Nose Knows’ contest as a part of the #SniffSniff activity at BlogAdda.

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Different Types of Drivers


Driving is something that helps us to travel from one place to another. it is an integral part of life. Very often when we travel outside we meet people who often amaze us with their behavior or wit or sense of humor. In this blog post, I am going to talk about the different kind of drivers I have interacted or traveled with. Trust me some of them are darn annoying and sometimes I would just want to get out of the car. While some of them are kind enough to understand our problem. Without much ado, here we go.

1. The Garrulous 
They are the talkative ones. Their mouth won't stop talking while they are driving. They love to interact with their co-travelers or their passengers irrespective of whether they are interested in the conversation or not. I met an old Sardar while I was in Delhi 4 years ago. I had to travel to CP so I hailed a Taxi from Noida Sec 55 and then I realized that I had to meet this old man. He was unstoppable like a Radio Jockey. He spoke from Politics to Bollywood and took the conversation to Agriculture and Punjab, his hometown. I was like someone stop this guy. My instant response to all his statements would be - Achha, Oh, Okay, Thik hai, Achha  Aise hua.  Of course, I didn't want to hurt him. But I also didn't want to sound rude to him. That's not  my nature!  But there are many who often get annoyed because of such drivers. They might be flawless, but they are just nonstoppable. Talks related to Destination and travel are fine but senseless and baseless discussions really don't make sense and that too with a stranger whom you are meeting for the first time!


2. The Schumacher
The second breed of drivers I'm talking about are the interesting ones. While traveling with them, it is necessary to wear a seat belt. Of course would you like to risk your own life? They will zig-zag through any traffic and reach  your destination within minimal time.  They will travel at 60 km/hr and above and they won't even care about your safety. They are super fast. Only the Formula 1 drivers drive that fast! Sometimes I would appreciate them but sometimes its just too much. What if you lose control and crash up and end up killing a poor street kid or a pedestrian trying to cross the road.



3. The Kind ones
These drivers are very kind. They would talk only when it is needed. They are diligent and they would honestly do their work. They won't unnecessarily open their mouth and talk. They will do their best to give a hassle free travel experience to you.  I like such kind of drivers. They are really kind though I have seldom  met such drivers

4. The Abusers.
I can't stand such drivers. They will abuse the pedestrians mouthing bad words based on the person's mother and sisters even if it's their mistake. They are annoying. Though they might be adept at their driving skills but too much anger is not good. Probably they should enroll for Anger management classes.
Once I traveled with one such guy. A girl came in front of the car. She was talking on the phone and this guy  had to brake to a sudden halt. 
"Hey Chori, Jaan Pyaari hai ya Phone!" He yelled at her
Translation - Hey girl, Is your life precious our phone!

I agree that  the girl was at fault, but one should learn to respect the other  gender too!

"Abey Ghar pe bolke aaya hai kya!" is another popular statement of such drivers. These words are usually said by Lorry drivers. Thanks for Bollywood movies :P

Translation - Hey, Already informed your home or what?



5.  The Obedient 
The Obedient drivers would politely listen to you and will wait for your directions  on which route to go and all! They are very much like the kind ones!

6. The Slug
Some drivers love their car so much that they would not want any kinds of a dent on their vehicle. They would drive slowly at their own comfort.  They won't care about their passengers. If your journey was to be completed in 15 minutes then with the Slug drivers it would take 45 minutes.


7. The Rules-man
He would follow all the traffic rules. He would ask his  front seat passenger to wear his seat belt. He would politely ask his passengers seated behind not to put their hands outside. He would look at the  three mirrors - left, right and rear view mirror. He is a nice guy just that he sometimes would seem like a traffic instructor to you more than a driver

8. The Singer
These kind of drivers would not stop singing their favorite songs while driving. Of course, not all the singers have a nice voice. What if they have a croaky voice. Travel with them at your own risk :P They might hurt your ear drums. :P But some of them have really good voice and they should try their  hands  voice  at Indian Idol 

9. The Musicians
They are much like the singers just that the Musicians play loud music especially the old Bollywood songs of 90's era. It's fine to play songs, but too loud songs might contribute to noise pollution. Even Justice Arnab Goswami  would feel jealous of him. 

10. The Single Lane Driver
They would drive on a single lane - no matter what. They do not drive left nor right. The right lane is for driving according to them! They will just not move their vehicle sideways! Bloody Annoying guys!


11. The Funny Ones
The Funny ones! They crack hilarious jokes while driving and would prove as a good source of entertainments for the passenger. They would tickle your funny bones! 

12. The Other way guy
These drivers would claim they have a short cut for a road and, unfortunately, their shortcut itself turns out to be longer than the normal path. They would try their best to divert the minds of the passengers especially the ones who  have never traveled to that place before. You would see such guys standing outside bus and railway stations. I once encountered such guy outside Delhi Railway station and he asked me 650 bucks for a distance of 10 km  thinking of me to be a newcomer. His face almost turned small when I said that I was a local and it usually doesn't take more than 150. 

13. The Conscious
They  would always have this serious and a conscious look on their face. At times, it would feel like you  have to soothe and provide solace to them. You might even try your luck to boost their confidence. They might be a good driver, but somewhere their conscious look on their face will pose several questions on your mind.

14. The Love Birds
These are the kinds who won't stop showing their affection while driving. They are usually couples  - married, bf - gf  or lovers and so on. They would simply want to show the world that their love is unbeatable even when it comes  outside home! Yo - Couples!


15. Over Takers
They love overtaking other cars and they love doing that. Of course, they would consider themselves as a skilled driver. Driving would them would be fun at times! Again at your own risk :P And yes sometimes you might break into a very dangerous casualty! Sigh!


16. The Hungry Ones
They are the ones who always eat while they are driving. Their taste buds are hyperactive and hence they always demand food  forever. 


17. The Rules Breaker
They are the ones who usually scan around at road junctions to look for the traffic police. If they can 't find any of them then they would easily race ahead irrespective if the traffic light shows red! They love playing with danger and if found guilty of breaking traffic rules then they might invite huge penalties. Play safe with the big boys, mate!

18. The Social Media Frenzy
These are the ones who update their Facebook Status, Retweet a tweet or  text a dear friend or talk to a best friend on the phone while driving. Sometimes, a loss in focus could lead to dreadful situations even impacting life.


Be it any kind of drivers but they are essential entities in today's life. If you  don't have your own vehicle then it becomes obligatory to avail  service of cab drivers especially if Public transport hurts you. At a time when people like me  who often gets confused between application of brakes and clutch, drivers play an important role. 
And now I am this kind of driver who  has hardly touched the steering and  I literally suck when it comes to driving. Yes, The below guy is me! :D 


So, from the above list - What kind of driver are you? If you would like me to add a bit more kinds then do let me know in the comment section :) 
This is shared with A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015
PS - All the Images have been taken from Google Images. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Different types of Software Testers




Software Testing is an important activity in the life cycle of a software product. Well everything needs to be tested for quality. What if you deliver a product sans quality? Wouldn’t that affect your transaction with the client? The trust factor would be annihilated.  It is mostly a monotonous activity that requires tedious efforts. It’s like following the process even for the infinitesimal elements. Another important term that I encountered in this field is bug or defects or incidents or issues or failures. It all may seem the same to a layman but there is a wide difference between these terms. Today I would enlist few types of Software Testers that I encountered in my Quality Analysis career.

1. The Serious Tester
‘Dude, what should I do?’ the serious tester says.
‘This application seems to be defect prone.’   
‘Do I raise a bug?’
Welcome to a serious testers life. Testing for him is a serious activity. He will perform his work meticulously for he doesn’t wants to be bombed by his boss when the code bursts in production. He would sit whole day and perform his work as slow as a slug and tries  to execute all kind of test cases even if they fall in the same category. Equivalence Class Partitioning and Boundary value analysis mechanism  would die when it comes to know about these kind of testers. They are full of doubts and seriousness haunts their face every  then!

From Google Images - Here 


2. The Serial Passer
In Software Testing, they say that a tester’s capability is measured in terms of the number of test cases he passes. Let alone the products die with too many defects! A  Serial Passer would only fret about his test case count. Once he settles with the target test case counts, he jubilantly writes a status mail to his boss, bragging about the number of test cases passed.  The boss is impressed and hikes the test case execution count for him. This is the life of the Serial Passer.

3. The Fake Serial Passer
In order to meet the deadlines passed by their boss, these kinds of testers often pass the test cases even without looking at the test steps.  It’s said that the fake serial passers trust their developers a lot and hence they blindly pass the test cases even without executing them. They do all this to meet their per day target without knowing the consequences. If the tests covered few defects and if they were discovered in the production, then this ‘fake serial passer’ tester is questionable and his career could be at stake. Along with it, don’t forget the penalty and the reputation of the tester’s organization. I know a friend who does it and loves his developers!

4. The Slug
The Slug types are too slow. They might work in an Agile testing model, but they would not be agile enough to test applications and software’s.  Test needs you to be agile and smart.  These are the kind of testers who usually lag behind and fail to achieve their goals in their life!

5. The Enthusiastic Tester
These testers are full of energy. The zest quotient in them is too high and they are like eagles ready to tackle their prey. Just give them the code build and they would dig it and uncover most defects! They seem to me like a hungry tiger. They are always charged and pumped up.

6.  The Passionate Tester
Passionate Testers are similar to the Enthusiastic Testers. Just that they love testing and their passion for testing is promising enough to bring them glory. These are the ones who get awarded during Quarterly awards with different kinds of fancy awards like – Pat on the Back, Rising Star, Valuable Player, Cookies, and Rookies etc

7. The ‘Yes Boss’ Tester
They are the boss’s favorite.  They want to please their boss and will do the work for them by any hook or crook.  They are the ones who get good increments during appraisals.  If the boss says anything, then they would answer it with ‘Yes’. They could also be labeled as the Obedient Testers as they never say no.

8. The Flirty Tester
These kinds of testers are mostly men. They just need an opportunity to ping their female software developers without any reasons. In the name of   potential defects and issues, they would ping them and irk the female developers. They would invite them for lunch, tea, coffee etc. They think of themselves as dude.

from Google Images  - here 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Choo Mantra Kaali!

Choo Mantra Kaali!

Mandy claims to be a magician in front of his friend who is a gorgeous girl. He wants to impress her so he comes with a new trick. His friend  asks him to prove that he is a magician and he tries to do something.

Mandy: Sweetheart ,I will make you vanish.
Gorgeous girl : Oh really!
Mandy : Choo mantra Kaali! Vanish!
Mandy :Choo mantra kaali, vanish, you beauty !
The girl displays a frown.
Mandy:(closes his eyes) Choo mantra kaali! Gorgeousness coupled with awesomeness go disappear.
She  gets pissed off and leaves the place
Mandy:(opens his eyes) oh she vanished. I  am a magician hahaha

Monday, September 29, 2014

Inches!

Inches!

"Dude,how much inches?"  I said to my friend, flaunting my new mobile. He gave me a confused look.

"How much is yours?" He asked me.

"5 inches!" I replied.

He looked around and said, "around 7!"

There was deafening silence for a moment and everyone looked at him.

"Aren't we talking about mobile screens?" I asked. He  gave me a startled look and slapped his forehead.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

And the Saga continued...

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 47; the forty-seventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
Note - All Images have been taken from Google.


'A big fat Indian wedding' is what people generally say when people belonging to two different affluent families get together for a nuptial knot. The  Pandey’s and the Trivedi's were together for a cause. Vimal Pandey, the youngest son of Bhisham Pandey, the famous industrialist from Allahabad and Shweta Trivedi, the only daughter of Kamal Trivedi, the CEO of  Trivedi brothers were getting married. They hardly knew  each other but today they were going to be a part of an eternal bond. Knowing someone for short duration and knowing someone for long  time is actually different.  Vimal was a reticent young man and Shweta was an outgoing girl who didn't belong to the league of introverts. She was active in fact she was hyperactive. She loved helping people and she was an active volunteer of 'Help India' forum. 



Both the families were getting ready for the marriage ceremony. Shweta was arrayed for the wedding in a gossamer fine, red saree which was embroidered with gold and other rich fabrics.  She was wearing a gold necklace and her arms were filled with golden bangles. Her dark long hair was neatly braided and decorated with flowers.  One could easily fall for her beauty. Why not? Of course it was her wedding and he ought to look beautiful. Her looks could have injured many youngsters and for a moment all of them would have been cursing Vimal. A golden band encircled her slender waist and anklets of silver gleamed on her feet. She was dressed to impress and it was just perfect. Her hand was designed with henna.  She wore the mehndi till her arms. On the other side , Vimal was waiting at the Mandap for Shweta, his bride. He was fidgeting with his mobile phone. He swiftly put his cell phone inside his pockets as he saw Shweta walking towards him. He was incessantly poking his mobile phone. There was deafening silence as she walked towards him. For a moment, the world seemed beautiful to him.  All eyes were glued to her. He neatly inspected her from top to bottom. As she blinked her eyes, it invoked smile on his face. Such was the beauty of her majestic eyes. Her eyes were framed by an arched eyebrow which defined her looks. A svelte nose adorned her looks.  Her milky smooth skin, rosy lips could make anyone smile. As she neared him, butterflies started fluttering inside his stomach. She sat next to him on the mandap. Vimal smiled at her and said, "You look stunning!" 


Shweta blushed and thanked him even without looking at him. That was the first instance where  the bold and outgoing Shweta behaved like a typical Indian girl. All the family members were dressed in rich attires. The pundits chanted the mantras. Vimal garlanded Shweta and promised her to be with her till eternity and provide her a life full of happiness. They both then headed for the blessing session where they sought blessings from the elders of the family. It was a long day. Vimal never missed a chance to compliment Shweta. It made her feel good. The reception was held at evening. He  was wearing a black dashing blazer while his bride was wearing the reception saree. The reception was graced by the presence of people from Vimal's and Shweta's office and their friends. People lined up with presents on their hand. They greeted the couples and took photographs. It was indeed a big day for them. The sun sunk behind the clouds and paved way for the moon.


It was 11 PM. The night was young. Vimal was inside his room. He was wearing a Royal embroidered Kurta. He sat on his bed, his eyes stuck on his mobile phone. The bed was festooned with rose petals. Shweta entered the room. She held a thumbler containing milk. She was accompanied by few girls. They shared jokes as shy Shweta walked inside. They pushed her inside the room and locked the room.


Vimal failed to notice Shweta as she walked inside the room. 



"Ahem! Ahem!" She cleared her throat.  Vimal was too with his cell phone to notice his beloved. Shweta gave a confused look and sat next to him.


"It's a long hectic day; isn't it?" she asked with a smile. She meticulously placed the thumbler on the table where a bowl containing fruits were kept.


"Hectic indeed!" Vimal said, fidgeting with his mobile phone. Shweta was upset that Vimal was occupied with his mobile phone on the most important night of their life.  Many unanswered questions knocked her mind which could only be answered by Vimal. There was deafening silence for few minutes as Vimal  was engrossed with his mobile phone. She looked at him and was trying to find out what he was doing on his mobile phone.  From her analysis, it seemed Vimal was drawing random horizontal and vertical lines on his mobile phone. 


"Oh Shit! Shit ...Shit...Shitt..." Vimal said, slapping his forehead and continued, " Why does this always happens with me. Why God? I now have to wait for another 1 hour for my next life."

  He turned his head towards his newly wedded wife. This was the first time he looked at her that night. He again complimented her and his wife acknowledged with a smile. She loved compliments and she blushed every time someone appreciated her beauty. Why wouldn't she smile as her very own beau had admired her beauty


"Shweta, why do you remain silent? Don't you want to talk to me?" Vimal asked.

"Of course, I do!" Shweta looked straight into his eyes and said, "You are always glued to your phone  and I thought it would be  rude  to disturb you.”


"Thank God, you didn't  distract me. I was on level 99. Important Level for me, you see," he said with a smile on his face.

He took a sip of the milk and continued, "Imagine me reaching level 100 on my wedding night. Wouldn't that be amazing? A night to remember."


All that Vimal said to her seemed Tamil and Telugu to Shweta. But the mention of words like levels gave her clear indications  that he was talking about some game.


He smiled and showed his mobile phone to her. "See this. I love this game. I am addicted to it. This is my drug, Shweta and  I can't think of a life  without this." He said.


Shweta stood there speechless for a moment not knowing what to say and how to react. How could a man be addicted to such  mobile games? she asked herself.

"This game is called Candy Crash!" he said.

"I know this game.” Shweta said and asked, “You need to swipe out similar type of candies, right?" 

"Oh yes," Vimal said. 

"Do you also play this game?" he curiously asked her. 

"No, I don't. I detest such games. I once happen to play that game on my friend Neeta's mobile," she replied.


"I love breaking jellies  and candies. It's fun." he said.

Shweta was visibly disappointed. She wanted to cry but tears just refused to flow.

 "Such an immature man!"  she thought to herself.


"Which man on Earth breaks candies and jellies on his wedding night? Most men crave for this night and instead of making me special he is fancing around a stupid mobile phone. Godamn! " she thought again.


Her mind started thinking at the pace at which Vimal broke the candies in candy crash. Probably the candy crash game had crashed her dreams and happiness. 


Her animosity grew more as he logged into his laptop to search for cheat codes on Google.  

"Wedding Night, my foot!" she uttered to herself as she saw her husband browsing different websites in pursuit of the Candy Crash cheat codes.

She was a Psychologist by profession. She wanted to analyze her husband. All her attempts to talk to Vimal seemed futile. After several attempts, Vimal finally reached the 100th level at 5.30 AM. But by then Shweta was in deep slumber. She woke up in between to see Vimal. As usual , he would busy indulge himself in the game. At 5.31 AM, he screamed at the top of his voice that woke up his wife Shweta.


"Yippey! I did it! 100 Levels. I feel like Sachin Tendulkar. Shweta, I reached the 100th level."  He screamed in joy. Shweta rubbed her eyes and looked at him. Even Sachin would be feeling pity for Shweta.

He hugged her. He did a small jig by performing a pelvic thrust in Mithun Chakraborty style. It was the first time she felt a serene touch of her husband on her wedding night. She smiled. But the happiness was short lived. He soon crashed to bed after crashing all the jellies and candies.  Shweta sobbed cursing her destiny and future. 


"What kind of Life will I live with this man who breaks candies. There are many beautiful things in me that can lure him. But his mind revolves around candies and jellies. This stupid game killed my dreams and joy." she thought again.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Seriousness! A Serious Syndrome ?!

This post is written for the Cadbury 5 Star - Condition Serious Hai - powered by Cadbury and Indiblogger.in. DO visit the Link - https://www.facebook.com/cadbury5star
Disclaimer - The  post is not written with an intention to hurt anyone's sentiment

Taken from Google Images
Friends and Foes, Men and Women, Boys and Girls! Lend me thy ears as I blurt out the greatest news of the day - Seriousness recently acquired the status of a ‘deadly disease’! Now I can see your mouth open wide, eyes rolling side to side as you utter the dangerous word and ask me ‘Are you serious?’
Of course I am not! Had I been serious, I would have not been sharing this with you; instead I would be blowing my nose on some sickly serious (t) issue!

Nonetheless, I am dreaded to see this epidemic spread like no other, infecting one and all while I narrate to you its rise and fall!
With a glow in my eyes I once strolled around a mall, saw a pretty lass, appreciated her and ended up with a slap! That was the day I predicted that world ki #ConditionSeriousHai. And at some point of time, I would be the only one grinning, smiling and laughing at everyone and everyone would be showing serious faces at me. Thanks to the seriousness!

"Everyone I care about made it! Happy ending! But what is this feeling I am feeling? It is not happiness. It is a feeling that I have not done all I could have done. I do not like it. How do I make it go away? You must take the music inside of you, swish it around and spit it through your tail. Just do as I do. Take in the music..." -Words of Wisdom said by King Julian XIII of Madagascar.

So starting with college days. I too had a love story! In fact, I found for myself an amazing princess from my Engineering College. Everyone called her Eshita, but she was my Esha! Like Moon was to Night! Water was to Plant! A Bird was to Sky! Uday Chopra was to Dhoom franchise, Eshita was to me! Esha was outspoken, frank and straight forward. She was headstrong and me a henpecked BF. We two could be often envisioned like the Pup and the little boy of the Mobile Network Ad! Just like the pup follows the boy everywhere he treads, I followed Esha everywhere, carrying the shopping bags and her assignment papers. We both were like the opposite poles of a magnet. In fact we both were two roads poles apart!

It was Valentine’s Day. It was shopping marathon! After buying some costly Eyeliners, Mascara’s, Blushers, Powders, Concealer, Bronzer and eye shadows for her, we left for Juhu Beach. It was 6 PM and there were many people loitering around, most of whom were couples like us.  She was wearing a 'not so' decent outfit which most people would find inappropriate. Aforementioned, a headstrong person dominates and over a henpecked person just like a hungry lion gorging over Samba deer’s. To add my misery, over hundred perverted eyes were fixed at my Esha’s thighs. I was embarrassed, not her! She rather preferred wearing western outfits over Indian. A group of Aunties moved around and one of them was talking about Eshita. We eavesdropped on their conversation.
Woman 1 – Did she forget to wear her Skirts, Susheela?
Woman 2 – Sahi Kaha Didi!
Woman 1 - Look how she is exposing her legs!  Shame on her family! They should teach her how to dress.
Woman 2 -   Sharam hi nai hai!
Click to zoom - sketch made by me :D 

Eshita’s face turned red as she heard each and every word said by them.  I held her hands tightly, so as to prevent   any kind of arguments. She glared at me and of a sudden my hands involuntarily left her hands.  She followed those women and started screaming - "Mummaaaa”, “Buaa”.
Now both the women looked at each other and got perplexed. She now screamed at the top of her voice - "Mummaaaa" and "Buaa"
Eshita - Mumma wait, Bua wait.
Woman1 - I am not your Mother.
Eshita - (with fake tears) how could you talk foul about your own daughter in front of so many people, Mumma?
Woman2 - Stop all this drama.
Eshita - (Fake tears streaming down copiously on her cheeks) Bua, you too sinister!
Everyone present there started gossiping and showed sympathy towards Eshita.
Woman1 - We are not your Mom or Bua!
Eshita – You serious?
Woman 1 & 2 (in Unison) – Haaan!
Eshita – Then how does it matter if I wear a skirt or don’t wear a skirt?
Both the women looked at each other and remained speechless for a moment.
Eshita – You probably have no rights to comment on my clothing style as you are not my Mom or my Bua! In fact how can you even associate a girl’s character with her dress!
Woman 1 & 2 – Sorry Beta!
Eshita - Be ashamed of yourselves that you represent the matured generation of this country. Aapki Condition serious hai!
Eshita – Accept my apologies! I addressed you as Mum and Bua. They are sensible and matured unlike you two!
They learned their mistake and realized that one should just look into their life and not pry into others life.

 Tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks as Eshita jubilantly walked towards me. She came next to me and wiped the tears (of happiness) from my eyes.  That was during early Twenties.
For people who think that wearing inappropriate clothes implies foul character of a girl, you should know that – Aapki #ConditionSeriousHai

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Autobiography of a Sperm.


Disclaimer -Fun Post. All photos are taken from Google Images!



 
Sperm is what everyone calls me. Length 55 microns and speed 35 micrometers per seconds. This world so full of opportunities and I keep waiting for mine.Living in  a pool of a viscous fluid along with my   other million friends my sole motto of life is to have fun. This keeps us going, the fluid I mean! It is super rich in Proteins, Fructose, Vitamin C, several enzymes and minerals. I have a tail that I wag every time while swimming. The Central Nucleus is to us like the Brain is to you guys. You won't believe when I say that I am  responsible for passing over half of the genetic information to a human baby. Imagine such a tiny thing me having such a super power or whatever you call it. Chachin and Spermwarya are my best sperm friends.  Chachin always used to tell me that he would grow up to be the famous sportsperson in this world. He would do many ad films and earn lots of money. Spermwarya is  ambitious. She  wants to be a rich woman and a beautiful actress in movies.  I don't have big dreams  like theirs. 
I just need a  perfect life.That's it! Just make it large. If tomorrow someone asks me something, I shouldn't ask myself that "Have I made it large?" Life is unpredictable. You guys are born out of a male and a female but we are not. We hail from cell divisions.
I popped out because of one such cell division.  Spermatozoon is what few people call me. Each one of us possesses around 38 MB of DNA information. It takes 64 days for us to grow into a fully matures Sperm. The craziest fact about us is that we are the smallest cell in your body. You must be wondering how I know all this. Well, my Granna told me. Yes, our grandfather sperm is the oldest sperm living in our pool. I tell you that our life  is full of pain and the funniest part is that although our life span is short we enjoy living during those short period of time.
“Guys rush to Granna Sperm's sector. He wants to talk to us," A group of senior sperms swam towards us. We followed their orders without any hesitation and swam to the Grandfather Sperm's area.
"My Loving Children, I have a reason to call you all today," Granna Sperm said.
"What's the  reason Granna?" We all shouted in unison.
"Yes, have patience. I will tell you," he said.
"Your call will come very soon. Each one of you here standing here will race towards the darkness of hope,” Grandfather sperm said with a straight face.
"You are friends now. But within a matter a time you all will turn into foes and will compete against each other. You will race with each other towards the biggest mystery of life which will be unfolded and only you shall know the reason," he added.
"You will take part into the battle of Supremacy, the survival of existence." 
"Await your call dear children," he said and went inside. Chachin, Spermwarya and I looked at each other with confusion. He never explained us what 'darkness of hope' was.

"What now? I don't want our friendship to be ruined under any circumstances." Spermwarya's eyes turned moist.
"Fret Not. We are friends forever," I said to her. Everyone left towards their own areas in Testipur, where we lived together happily.
I went to meet grandfather. 
"Grandfather, May I enter?" I , like an obedient student knocked the door.
"Sure child son, get in," Granna Sperm said.
"What's the darkness of hope?" I asked him, curiousness in my eyes.
"It is the chamber of the secret that will unveil new hopes to your future. It will decide your future, and you  and your friends will fight with each other. The winner of that race will make it large." He chuckled.
"What about the others here and their future?" I curiously asked him.
"Eventually they all will have to die. Such is the mystery of life. Only one out of you guys  will win and the others have to succumb," he said.
"And what about that call? When will we get the call?" I asked.
"Any Moment. Be prepared.  You shall battle it out with the others like you." He showed faith in me.
"But is it possible that we will really reach the 'hope' in the darkness of hope," I asked him.
"Could be. At times, there are circumstances where most of them from this clan die. It’s because of some of the cruel and selfish beings who kill us because of their own selfish pleasure."
He coughed and continued," Not everyone in this clan is born to win. Only the special one tastes victory. It is the one who chases his destiny demystifies the secret of the darkness of hope,"

"But how do sperms from our clan die without reaching the darkness of hope?" I asked curiously.
"Silly!Selfish men shed their sperm and it’s quite sad to know that most of our clan members are found dead on the bed sheets and washrooms and on underwears," he said.
"And few  obstruct us with the help of certain spermicides as a result of which we are caught in the gateway to the darkness of hope,” he added.
"You are too old. What about your call?" I asked him with some shade of innocence to which he laughed.
"Good question. You said I 'm old and you are right. Even if my call arrives, I will die as I've lost my motility." He smiled.
"Sad. Will I make it big and large?" I , like a sweet sperm asked him. 
"Why not dear? Just wait for the call,” he said and left. I spend few hours pondering over those lines which he said. It was complete darkness. I was with my friends. I heard a babble of voices of a woman moaning. I had got an intuition that something miserable was going to happen. Was it supposed to be my call? Within no second, a group of us around 200 millions of us were spewed into complete darkness. The moaning stopped. I saw lot of us getting active. Chachin and Spermwarya were with me. Everyone seemed to be swimming towards their destiny. We all were blindly following each other. I observed that some of our group members died on their way. We were being quick. It was like the biggest race of my life. We all were swimming fast. Most of my friends died. Even Chachin and Spermwarya died. I could not even locate them as I never looked behind. Grandfather’s words blared on my mind. It continuously rang on my mind. If I had to make it large, then I will have to sacrifice my loved ones and keep swimming towards my destiny. The darkness of hope never ceased to show me dreams. I kept swimming until I saw complete brightness. I saw 'hope' which was smiling at me. It was enticing me. I wagged my tail and went near it. Two of us finally made it. My next step was to fight the other sperm and reach the hope. I successful defeated the other sperm and fused with the hope. A new ray of hope gave me the utmost joy of my life. My body got disintegrated and I saw complete brightness. Pure Bliss! It was then I realized that I had successful made through the darkness of hope and reached hope. I was an intelligent sperm and hence I knew that I would make it. After that I didn't knew what happened but I thought that I had made it large.
>><><< 
After many years....
"Neha, you are so pretty and beautiful," Ricky said.
Neha had a beautiful round face. The face of the sweetest angel ever. She had a perfectly arched brow. Her eyes were brown and the entire beauty of the world seemed to have been confined into her eyes. It was so mysterious yet deep that it highlighted her beauty. The charcoal dark eyebrows framed her round face. She had a perfect tiny nose. She hid the eternal universes behind.
"You are the most pretty and the most intelligent girl I have seen in my life, " Ricky smiled at her to  which Neha blushed.
"Today, I am the youngest CEO of a famous IT company and I still  have many things to do in life ," Neha said.
"But I don't know if I have made it large," she said and smiled.
"Have I?"
 >><><< 

Out of nowhere, a virtual representation of the grandfather sperm popped up.
"Yes, you definitely made it large and I knew it you will!I am proud of you dear," Granna sperm said.


Images have been taken from Google Images.

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