Sunday, November 11, 2018

Dear Little Sister

Dear Anu, my little sister, 



Today is your 26th birthday. And you left all of us in distress last year when you ascended towards heaven. Did you know how much pain it caused us that day when you breathe your last on my arms. I can't believe I am writing this on your birthday in your absence that hurts me the most. I am a weak person and you, my little sister, have taught me some great life lessons. God punished you, an innocent being, by inflicting you with the deadliest disease in the world that even Medical science is striving to find a cure for! I detest God for doing this to someone whom I love more than anyone in this world. I know you would hate me for hating god for you have been the purest and god loving person in the world.  You know Mom and Dad are crying every single day since you left for the heavenly abode. I don't have enough courage to ask them not to cry.  Mother carried you in her wombs and fed you with love and treated you with utmost care. Our Father, whom I never saw so weak in my entire life is left heartbroken. I've never seen him cry so much.  Do you remember the days he used to carry you to school when you were late? Wasn't that amazing? Every time he would call you from his work to ask what you want for snacks.  And you would often ask him to get Samosa or Dabeli since you liked it the most. Do you remember how momma used to come home early during Saturdays so that she could spend most of her time with us? She still regrets leaving us home during our childhood. She holds herself responsible for whatever happened to you. She thinks she didn't love her children and she left them at home. But she did that because she wanted to raise her children well. Isn't that the story of every working parent? They have to sacrifice a lot to see their children happy. I remember the sadness on your eyes everytime Momma left for work because you wanted her to be with you. Anu, remember that we love you a lot. It's difficult to believe that you are no more I am not able to digest the events that happened that night when you left us. I am still in shock.  Is God cruel enough to take my 'only' little sister?  

You are special to me. I will never use a past tense for you because you are still alive for me. My mind is not able to process the fact that you are no more. Momma and Appa ask me to be strong but break when they say that. Even I can't control my tears when I ask them to stay strong. How can I say this to them? What they lost is something beyond imagination! I pray no parent ever loses their child.  It's the most painful suffering for anyone in this world.  Many say God took you because he wanted to reduce your pain.  Maybe that's true. You had written many letters to him and I remember reading all of those after you left us. Those letters were full of hope. You just asked him for miracles and he disappointed you. You suffered a lot of pain from the moment you came to know about this disease that killed you every single minute.  Maybe you shouldn't have browsed the internet or maybe it is my fault to have got an internet connection at home that was one of the reasons that broke you.  You would say that it's good to be careful and the internet actually helped you in some or the other ways. 
We hid your health issues from our family just because you never wanted people to look at you with sympathy.  You always were a strong girl till your last breath but I still can't understand how a strong girl like you succumbed. You, my little sister, would always stay special for me. You loved doing creative stuff. Your crochet works like bags, bands, skirts and everything you did as part of your fashion designing is still in our house. Your wall paintings, your artwork - be it your designs or croquis, everything is inside our home. God weakened you and tried to test our love. But we four stayed united and never gave up. Our love towards each other grew strong and our bond strengthened. 

Do you remember the summer vacations of 2003 when we both cried when you left early for our village?  We both were quite young then.  Imagine I couldn't handle the pain of such a small period of separation, how can I handle this absence?  Mom, Dad and me are hurt and we know you have gone far away. We don't know what you are doing and what kind of life you are living. People who visit our home say that she is happy there with God. How can you be happy without us? You once said that we three are your world and you can't remain happy without your momma, appa and beloved anna. I know how much you loved us. It is evident from the letters that you have written. Mom cared for both of us equally but she never scolded you or beat you whenever you scored less in your exams during your school days. But she thrashed me whenever I scored less because she loved you and cared about you. She always cared about your happiness.  She knows what you like and what you love.  For people who say God has taken his child away from our parents. Does he know what you like? Momma and Appa know everything about your likes and dislikes. They worked hard for your expensive medicines. You were so mature that you used to advise me about life.  I still have that poetry with me that you had written about living life to the fullest. You really did. You had so many dreams in your eyes and goals in your life. Your dream is now mine! 

Dear little sister, I will work on all your dreams. You always used to say that when you grew up and worked, you will give away a small portion of your income to old age homes after you saw the sufferings of old parents in an old age home.  Anu, you were so kind and the best. I've always been proud of you and would proudly talk about you and show your creative work with my colleagues and friends at the office.  Everyone knew about you and your talent. Remember everytime you created something beautiful, I would share it on Facebook. That's because I wanted the world to see my sisters talent. I love you a lot. 

I can't control my tears as I type each and every word of this article. Maybe we loved you so much that your absence is terribly hurting us. It is piercing and hurting our heart. 
I still remember that early morning of 2011 when I left for Pune. You had a blackout and seizures. A part of me got destroyed that day itself. From that day itself, I pledged to myself to be the best brother to you.  I always wanted to see you happy and got you everything that you wanted.  I have written a lot of blog posts about you. And in all of them, I prayed to God to grant you a long and healthy life. But he never heard any of our prayers, even your prayers! How cruel can God be to our family? 
Do you remember that Thursday of 1994 where  you were sucking popsicles that our Aunt had brought you? You were just 2 years old and I snatched it from you and ate it. You just had your brand new teeth that you drugged inside my arms. I still have those scars on my left arms. Not just that there are numerous scars on my arms that you scribbled. 

You were an angry young woman and you got angry very fast but your heart was pure.  I will never ever get a sister like you. You were my best sister and my best friend.  And you live with us forever!
You are always the best and we will never forget you till our last breath.  Anu, stay happy. You are God's best angel and that's why he gave his best angel to us for just the 25 years of our life. When the time came, he took you! I miss you da and more than that I love you to infinity! Never forget us!

Yours loving Anna

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Sunday, August 28, 2016

From the Diary of a 21 year Old!


First , Read   "From the Diary of a 16 year old!" before reading this post.

Dear God, 

I remember I wrote a letter to you in 2011 addressing my sorry state. It was a horrendous experience and feelings that  bring tears into my eyes. I was 16 then and Doctors seldom knew anything about this rarely found disease for it also had a poor prognosis. But you made me never lose my faith in you. I had turned bland at my own sufferings. You are the supreme power that binds everyone and your sole job is to keep your children happy. Several times, I used to be angry because you gave no heed to my prayers.I'm 21 now and life is horrendous even now. I have grown stronger and stronger day by day. I am not confined to a wheelchair now and my limbs have grown stronger. I no longer hear the babel of voices behind me. But I was used to all this. Life has veered out drastically in the last 5 years.

I no longer feel bad looking at those who studied with me. Some of them are doing their Engineering, while some have excelled in different fields. I am happy with myself because I'm doing what I am good at. Creativity is something that  gives me happiness. It instils a ray of hope in me. Life is harsh but now I realise that it is not that harsh like I had expected it. Everyone has an untold story that no one wants to share or narrate to anyone. That story is the secret that beholds them. My parents tell me that you write a story in everyone's life and that story is how your life shapes up eventually. So I got to be happy with whatever you have given me. Sometimes melancholia haunts me and grips me terribly but I learned that it would be more miserable to curse my own plight. 

The United States and the European Union are spending too much money on the research for the Pomple Disease and I am sure someday the cure will be available for this. I still see myself as a once whimsical kid put to test. But I feel I have been successfully passing all those tests. I still hate it when  I see a large ensemble of people bewailing at my sorrowful condition. But I'm special. I've grown more hopeful for I have started to live the normal life. My hope for existence once seemed fizzled but I am happy I don't feel such.  My Cervix still hurts me but I don't care at all. I have learned to live with the pain.I have  a wonderful doctor whom I think to be your best angel whom you have sent to advise and help me. I no longer feel jinxed. But I still ask you the same question that you asked me 5 years back - Will you efface all my sorrows and get me back to normal like how I used to be 10 years back? I remember writing a poem expressing my state of mind.

"I jostled against the tide of time,
nothing is left in the journey of life.

things were thought differently,
never meant to go in such hurry.

I bleed to death with the appalling pain,
fighting to the last for what I have not gained.

Is this what is stored in my destiny,
half way through my life's journey.

expected so many avenues on the way,
but ended up like a seamless castaway"

I am glad I no longer feel the same. Even now I'm longing for the day when I will smile without any fear. I am quite hopeful that that day isn't far. You are my only hope, You are my messiah, You are my Supreme Power, You are my everything. I am happy to have an amazing family who has always stood by my side during my difficult times. These words are not random ramblings but my current state of mind. This disease has prevented me  but it won't defeat me from doing what I dreamt of! My mother always used to say that When God closes all door from my life, he keeps an invisible door for you that he would reveal at some point in time. I am still in pursuit of that insivible door. I am quite sure you will resolve all the problems in my life. I have surrendered myself to you. I will always obey your words and despite all the sufferings, I trust you. I have never given up on you. I promise I have never been bad to my family.  Bree has grown up to be a beautiful girl and is brimming with mighty confidence day by day. Lots of Hugs, Love and Kisses to you, O dear God!

Love,
Emily

‘This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

PS  - I planned to write this post many years back but I had completely forgotten about this. This holds a special place in my heart. I am glad that I was able to finish this unfinished story that has been sleeping in my drafts for ages :) 
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Monday, September 24, 2012

To me - From me!



Dear me,

Do not fret  for worrying can only hurt you more.
You know where you stand, so I am sure you can manage yourself.
Your current mind state isn't great but I am sure you can cope up well.
You might feel low and dejected and might even feel like a loser but you should know that good times are yet to come.
What if things don't go your way, but you should know that there is always a silver lining behind every dark cloud.
You tried , tried even harder this time, but do things always have to go your way. Luck doesn't favors us every time. Hard work pays at time.
Stop cribbing  and do not lament for all the petty issues in life.
This is just a phase, I am sure  you can over come.
Be strong, think positive and be hopeful.
Today ,you might  feel like a fish floundering on floor but you should know that tomorrow might not be the same .
A better tomorrow awaits you, so why fret?.

Do not FRET for worrying is for losers and we both know that you and me can never be losers for losers are weak hearted. Be strong,focus on your goals. This letter, I write to you from the bottom of my heart just to make you realize that we both can do it and together we can make our lives better.

Forever yours,
ME


This post is part of the contest A letter to yourself.. on WriteUpCafe.com
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