Sunday, November 11, 2018

Dear Little Sister

Dear Anu, my little sister, 



Today is your 26th birthday. And you left all of us in distress last year when you ascended towards heaven. Did you know how much pain it caused us that day when you breathe your last on my arms. I can't believe I am writing this on your birthday in your absence that hurts me the most. I am a weak person and you, my little sister, have taught me some great life lessons. God punished you, an innocent being, by inflicting you with the deadliest disease in the world that even Medical science is striving to find a cure for! I detest God for doing this to someone whom I love more than anyone in this world. I know you would hate me for hating god for you have been the purest and god loving person in the world.  You know Mom and Dad are crying every single day since you left for the heavenly abode. I don't have enough courage to ask them not to cry.  Mother carried you in her wombs and fed you with love and treated you with utmost care. Our Father, whom I never saw so weak in my entire life is left heartbroken. I've never seen him cry so much.  Do you remember the days he used to carry you to school when you were late? Wasn't that amazing? Every time he would call you from his work to ask what you want for snacks.  And you would often ask him to get Samosa or Dabeli since you liked it the most. Do you remember how momma used to come home early during Saturdays so that she could spend most of her time with us? She still regrets leaving us home during our childhood. She holds herself responsible for whatever happened to you. She thinks she didn't love her children and she left them at home. But she did that because she wanted to raise her children well. Isn't that the story of every working parent? They have to sacrifice a lot to see their children happy. I remember the sadness on your eyes everytime Momma left for work because you wanted her to be with you. Anu, remember that we love you a lot. It's difficult to believe that you are no more I am not able to digest the events that happened that night when you left us. I am still in shock.  Is God cruel enough to take my 'only' little sister?  

You are special to me. I will never use a past tense for you because you are still alive for me. My mind is not able to process the fact that you are no more. Momma and Appa ask me to be strong but break when they say that. Even I can't control my tears when I ask them to stay strong. How can I say this to them? What they lost is something beyond imagination! I pray no parent ever loses their child.  It's the most painful suffering for anyone in this world.  Many say God took you because he wanted to reduce your pain.  Maybe that's true. You had written many letters to him and I remember reading all of those after you left us. Those letters were full of hope. You just asked him for miracles and he disappointed you. You suffered a lot of pain from the moment you came to know about this disease that killed you every single minute.  Maybe you shouldn't have browsed the internet or maybe it is my fault to have got an internet connection at home that was one of the reasons that broke you.  You would say that it's good to be careful and the internet actually helped you in some or the other ways. 
We hid your health issues from our family just because you never wanted people to look at you with sympathy.  You always were a strong girl till your last breath but I still can't understand how a strong girl like you succumbed. You, my little sister, would always stay special for me. You loved doing creative stuff. Your crochet works like bags, bands, skirts and everything you did as part of your fashion designing is still in our house. Your wall paintings, your artwork - be it your designs or croquis, everything is inside our home. God weakened you and tried to test our love. But we four stayed united and never gave up. Our love towards each other grew strong and our bond strengthened. 

Do you remember the summer vacations of 2003 when we both cried when you left early for our village?  We both were quite young then.  Imagine I couldn't handle the pain of such a small period of separation, how can I handle this absence?  Mom, Dad and me are hurt and we know you have gone far away. We don't know what you are doing and what kind of life you are living. People who visit our home say that she is happy there with God. How can you be happy without us? You once said that we three are your world and you can't remain happy without your momma, appa and beloved anna. I know how much you loved us. It is evident from the letters that you have written. Mom cared for both of us equally but she never scolded you or beat you whenever you scored less in your exams during your school days. But she thrashed me whenever I scored less because she loved you and cared about you. She always cared about your happiness.  She knows what you like and what you love.  For people who say God has taken his child away from our parents. Does he know what you like? Momma and Appa know everything about your likes and dislikes. They worked hard for your expensive medicines. You were so mature that you used to advise me about life.  I still have that poetry with me that you had written about living life to the fullest. You really did. You had so many dreams in your eyes and goals in your life. Your dream is now mine! 

Dear little sister, I will work on all your dreams. You always used to say that when you grew up and worked, you will give away a small portion of your income to old age homes after you saw the sufferings of old parents in an old age home.  Anu, you were so kind and the best. I've always been proud of you and would proudly talk about you and show your creative work with my colleagues and friends at the office.  Everyone knew about you and your talent. Remember everytime you created something beautiful, I would share it on Facebook. That's because I wanted the world to see my sisters talent. I love you a lot. 

I can't control my tears as I type each and every word of this article. Maybe we loved you so much that your absence is terribly hurting us. It is piercing and hurting our heart. 
I still remember that early morning of 2011 when I left for Pune. You had a blackout and seizures. A part of me got destroyed that day itself. From that day itself, I pledged to myself to be the best brother to you.  I always wanted to see you happy and got you everything that you wanted.  I have written a lot of blog posts about you. And in all of them, I prayed to God to grant you a long and healthy life. But he never heard any of our prayers, even your prayers! How cruel can God be to our family? 
Do you remember that Thursday of 1994 where  you were sucking popsicles that our Aunt had brought you? You were just 2 years old and I snatched it from you and ate it. You just had your brand new teeth that you drugged inside my arms. I still have those scars on my left arms. Not just that there are numerous scars on my arms that you scribbled. 

You were an angry young woman and you got angry very fast but your heart was pure.  I will never ever get a sister like you. You were my best sister and my best friend.  And you live with us forever!
You are always the best and we will never forget you till our last breath.  Anu, stay happy. You are God's best angel and that's why he gave his best angel to us for just the 25 years of our life. When the time came, he took you! I miss you da and more than that I love you to infinity! Never forget us!

Yours loving Anna

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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Searching for the answers..

Searching for the answers..
There may have been several instances in your life where you may feel low and down. Some people label those days as a phase but sadly the one who suffers has a better opinion about their sufferings. Unfortunately, god has programmed every individual in a way that no one can understand or analyse what's running through the other person mind. Sadly, individual sufferings are limited to the individuals who suffer. It is easy to empathise or say kind words about the one who suffers but that actually doesn't help.  If so then who actually helps?



The concept of God is weird. Every faith has one supreme power whom some refer as their only almighty power. It is this person who handles us and we are bound to all his instructions. But does he really cares? Many holy books cite that the almighty is the one who will heal you and freed you from all your sufferings but have you ever thought about the scenario where the almighty himself hates you. Well, many might say that we all are his amazing creations but is it a rule that almighty won't hurt his children. Of course, even a mother would be harsh to her children if they are found guilty of committing any sins. But she isn't stupid to hurt her children just like that! Yeah!

But sometimes there exist people who doubt the mere existence of God. I never felt so or maybe I did when I was deep immersed in my melancholy. Those were the depressing days of my life where many unusual thoughts used to haunt me every night. But still, I moved on. Those were the days where I questioned the existence of god because he never answered any of my prayers. It's strange when I come across people who give amazing testimonies about God doing miracles in their life. Sometimes it's hard to believe that and sometimes I just can't stop believing. A human mind is constructed in such a way that it would believe in miracles only when it has witnessed one.  But unfortunately, I have only heard about almighty colouring lives of people with beautiful colours. And sometimes you question yourself asking what sin have you committed that you deserve such a punishment. But many times we fail to understand and believe that certain questions have no answers and we have to accept what is offered to us. Miracles happen at places where hope resides. Hope is everything that we all have and being hopeful is not wrong. I see myself see-sawing between different gamuts of emotions and my heart refuses to stay still. 

For the past few days, I have been through a difficult phase and every day I pray to God for strength and peace because that is what I need now. I am hopeful that things would be fine and better days are up ahead. 
These were few thoughts that remained arrested in my mind. I hope to blog soon. Blogging has something which is amongst the best thing that happened in my life and without this, I wouldn't have met many amazing friends. In fact, I met few of my best people through blogs.
I hope to see you all soon. Till then.. have fun, prosper and progress!
Always smile because I smile when you smile :)  
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